Page 137 - Dark Matter:Women Witnessing Issue2

Because cardinals mate for life, the missing female alerted me to the possibility of her untimely death.

After three nights spent anxiously awaiting a glimpse of her, I had to accept that she was gone.

Heartbroken for the male, I waited for him to appear each evening. When he did, he would shine one

beady eye in my direction as he ate. There was no question in my mind that he and I were grieving our

loss together.

In April, he began his poignant mating whistle from the pines. For a few days the calls were strong and

clear, but they went unanswered. One morning he stopped singing. The next day, he was gone.

Although I sometimes heard male cardinals singing in the distance as I walked my dog, I never saw any.

During these years, every attempt to make contact with my mother and sons was met with a resistance

that was mirrored by dreams, in which I climbed endless snow-­‐capped mountains alone.

Then one April, my mother died. The very next day, I heard a male cardinal’s signature mating call. For

a brief moment, I wondered if my mother’s death might open the door to reconciliation with my two

sons, but it was not meant to be. After a few months of heartbreak, I concluded that somehow I had to

let go of hope with respect to family. I wondered how I could continue to survive, even as I went to

work teaching, cared for my beloved dog, gardened, wrote, fed wild animals, gave workshops on

Native American culture, studied medicine plants in Peru, and continued my research on black bears.

At least I was still functional.

A year ago last November, a solitary female cardinal

appeared under the pines, and remained here all

winter. I watched her through binoculars, marveling

at how beautiful she was in her russet coat flushed in

rose. I was reconciled to the loss of continuous

cardinal presence, so her visit seemed like a gift, and

when she vanished in the spring, I accepted it.

However, I wondered at the string of solitary

cardinals, first males and now a female, that blinked

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